Before becoming engaged, I had heard mixed reviews from friends and family members about what this time would entail. Some, more easy going friends report, "Enjoy the time you have being engaged... enjoy wedding planning and looking ahead to your future together!" While others, who may be slightly over analytical and have perfectionist tendencies (just like myself) told me to keep the engagement short. I didn't quite understand this advice at first. I have to say, with eight months and engagement behind us, and four months to go I can understand both spectrums of advice. Nonetheless, being the slightly perfectionist, over analytical and high anxiety person that I am, these past eight months have been a trial.
I am blessed with a group of wonderful and supportive friends. Right from the start, I heard only words of encouragement. Don't worry about making others happy or about what others think.... do what makes you happy. Only now have I started to fully understand and take on this idea. It's funny how a wedding can stir up emotions and even conflicts that have not emerged for years. I never stopped to think that our parents had strong ideas about what this day would entail. I never, in my wildest dreams, knew how difficult it would be to plan a wedding here in Jersey City. Attempting to satisfy expectations and plan an affordable wedding in this place is near impossible. We are at the point now, that we've made our own decisions and we are very happy with them, but it was a balancing act that we tried to take on, and in my opinion, wasn't necessary to take on in the capacity that we did.
All the while we are making plans for our wedding, it is easy to notice that our relationship is continuing to grow and change, as it is meant to be. Suddenly we are not just dating, but we have made a commitment for life. Yet, we are still living within the parameters that we set for our engagement. Deciding to live separately until marriage has been one of the most significant challenges. Also, learning to manage finances as a team has been difficult. In addition to this, learning to live life together, with our families, friends and church community has been a challenge as well. For the past few months, I have experienced anxiety over this period of transition, I have worried to the extreme about others opinions and expectations, and I have fallen short of loving Jeff and relying on God for strength in many ways.
Over the last week or so, Jeff and I have started to realize the toll that this time has taken on us. God has been showing us what it means to surrender to Him, and trust that this will all come together. Over the past weeks, Jeff and I have started meeting with a counselor to talk about our upcoming marriage and this has been such a blessing. We've started praying fervently for peace and joy during this time. Just the other day, I came to realize that this period of time can be a time of utter stress or deep blessing. And that ultimately, it is a choice. I can choose to trust God in this, and enjoy this transition, the time I have with Jeff and family or I can let myself be easily overcome with anxiety about the transition. I am choosing joy, I am choosing the freedom and grace that is apart from other people's opinions and expectations, and most importantly I am choosing to marry this man who loves me freely, deeply and without hesitation. We are so blessed and have nothing to worry about. We are looking forward to the day we become one with Christ with joyful expectation and anticipation.
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